The just-to-be-sure testicle check The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends you give your balls a once-over once a month. Right after you shower:

1. Stand in front of the mirror and check for swelling on the skin of the scrotum.
2. Roll each testicle between the thumb and index finger; this shouldn’t be painful. Don’t worry if they’re slightly different sizes, but take note if one’s a significantly larger than the other. Feel for lumps.
3. Check the epididymis, the tube behind each testicle. (This ferries sperm from the testis to the outside world.)
4. If you feel pain or find lumps anywhere, see a doctor. You may just have an infection, but it could be the Big C, and getting the news early is absolutely key to keeping trouble at bay. (FYI, women are often the first to detect testicular lumps in their partners.)

How to grow anthrax in your bathroom Yeah, right. NOT a chance.

How to relieve thirst in the wild A pebble held in the mouth will stimulate saliva production and kill that dry-mouth feeling. Stay on the lookout for flashing, neon bar signs.

The remedy for poison ivy Baking soda and water. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The battle in which the most U.S. military personnel were killed or wounded Antietam, hands down: September 17, 1862, with a sausage-factory-like 22,726 casualties. A turning point in the Civil War, the battle for this Maryland creek provided the country its bloodiest day ever, partly because it was so pivotal (the Union victory ended Lee’s invasion of the North, turning the tide against the Confederacy), but mostly because Americans fought on both sides and basically blew the sh#t out of each other instead of, you know, the Vietnamese or something. This single day’s work cost more American lives than the Revolution, the War of 1812, the Mexican War, and the Spanish-American War combined. Oh, yeah, and the Gulf war. Nine times as many fell here as bloodied the beaches on D-day. You get the drift.

How to remember which hand beats which in poker The troublesome middle range of the hand hierarchy: A full house beats a flush beats a straight. How to remember this rule? Picture a house surrounding a flush toilet that has a straight piece of sh#t floating in it.

When to split cards in blackjack To truly maximize your odds, memorize every splitting scenario (and everything else) on the probability-based basic strategy chart, which is available in books and on pocket cards wherever gambling’s legal. If you’ve got better things to do, these four rules of thumb do a damned good job in virtually all splitting situations.

Why girth beats length Most of the vagina’s nerve endings are in its outermost third. As long as you’re not lost in your own pubic hair, you’re probably long enough.

Who painted the poker-playing dogs? Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1844–1937). The name of the painting is No Monkeying.

How to win more coin tosses Always call tails. On U.S. coins, the heads side, with its big, solid portrait, weighs infinitesimally more: In the course of 10,000 tosses, the lighter tails side will come up an extra 50 or so times.

How to unclasp a bra with one hand
1. With the palm of your dominant hand facing her, slide your middle finger under the bra strap, right between the clasp and her unbelievable body.
2. Pull the clasp out away from her with your middle finger, and pinch the strap between your thumb and ring finger. Pull your middle finger out, and begin to hum “Moon River.”
3.Slowly snap your fingers to accomplish mission. If she has a double-clasp bra, you may have to snap twice; don’t get flustered. Practice on your best friend's sister if necessary.

Numbers you should know

Sperm can live in a woman’s body for up to five days.

You have 100,000 or so hairs on your head; you lose between 25 and 125 a day, more if you work at "Swine."

Continental drift amounts to about two centimeters a year.

On the clearest night, under ideal conditions, you can see about 4,000 stars with the naked eye.

70 percent of all women can’t reach orgasm from intercourse alone—or won’t, anyway.

The electricity needed to power a light bulb costs about 1.3¢ an hour, unless you live in California.

Your body contains about 23 feet of small intestine and five feet of large intestine, including the smelly part right at the end.

Ejaculate exits your wanger at 12 mph.

Hangover:

One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still rather parched. You have the ability and desire to consume five sodas, and strangely, still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a grapefruit. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the four egg omelet and fruity pancakes from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in bed watching Seinfeld reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three Gatoraides and a diet Coke... yet you haven't pissed once.

Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already ripped you a new asshole you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the person who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get out the remnants of the shit fairy. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the slightest idea who the hell the girl was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be a cruel joke designed to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now....

Had enough? BACK TO TOP